The Ribcage

The Ribcage

Where:
The Ribcage (FB Page)
Shop J, G/F May Sun Building, 1 Smithfield
Kennedy Town. Hong Kong

Phone:
+852 3956 4213

Price:
We got out at around HKD200 a head.

The deal:
The Ribcage has been open since March 2016 and I’d heard the standard PR story about how the owner was disappointed by the ribs in HK and decided that he was gonna show HK how to do shit right.  With such a bold claim and a few people telling me that The Ribcage had good ribs, I decided to check out whether a) most people continue to be tasteless morons and b) whether The Ribcage was truly slaying the HK rib game.  It’s a relatively spartan shop front, with high benches and only one high table in the middle, which makes dining largely awkward if you come in a group any larger than two homies and if you lack any core strength to support your sad sack of shit body on a backless stool.  The super straight forward menu is written on blackboards on the wall, listing only five food items – three types of ribs all slow smoked with hickory and apple wood – USA pork baby back ribs (half/full), Canadian AAA beef (full only) and lamb (full only) ribs and two sides, beef fat skinny fries and coleslaw.  I guess if I wanted to spin that shit, F&B PR style, I’d bill it as a carefully curated selection of items which The Ribcage promise to deliver on, but as I’m just an asshole dickhead blogger, I’m just gonna call it a fucking tiny selection.

Ms Two Serves had warned me that the only liquor The Ribcage serves is beer and they don’t have any ice available for soft drinks.  This was in fact over promising the booze situation because despite the empty beer bottles on top of the counter, we confirm with the staff that they don’t have the right licence at the moment, which means they are dry as a bone.  WHYYYYYY HK RESTAURANTS, Y U never let me have easy access to alcohol with my meals anymore?! GODDAMNIT, MY EVERYDAY LIFE JUST MAKES ME SO THIRSTY.

ineedtostartdrinking

Ignoring my shaking hands, I settle for a coke and just as Ms Two Serves stated, there was no ice available either.  Fuck, I rarely drink soft drinks without hard liquor and at the very least, I want that sugary shit frosty cold.  With my iceless coke in hand and given that there’s only five food items on the menu, we decide to comprehensively give The Ribcage a red hot go and order everything that’s available.

Service is super fucking amiable and our beef fat skinny french fries (HKD38) and Canadian AAA beef ribs (HKD298) appear first, served casually on aluminium baking trays.  The pile of shoestring fries are fucking great and The Ribcage haven’t been tight asses with their portions either.  There is nothing worse than ordering fries before realising you’re gonna need at least four serves to fill the potato shaped hole in your fatty boombah heart.  The Ribcage fries are sprinkled with paprika, crispy and hot which makes for fuck yeah spud times which we rapidly shove into our faces.  But like FOR REAL, how fucking hard is it to cook pre-bought frozen french fries?  Well, maybe it’s harder than I give it credit for because I’ve certainly had my share of sad, flaccid fuck no fries in this fat fuck life time.

Getting involved with our first proper food item, the beef rib sure looks like the business – it’s been cut into boneless pieces and re-arranged along a massive rib bone which has been stripped clean.  It’s fuck yeahhhhhh beef feels as it’s all pink and juicy as fuck, a hint of smoke and a good char on the outside.  The allegedly home made BBQ sauce is a little bit lame and despite its claims of being home made, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if you told me it was squeezed out of a bottle somewhere.  Regardless, we’re slamming down some fuck yeah deep fried carbs and a well executed beef rib, so we start to think that despite its lack of booze and ice, The Ribcage might be able to pull this purveyor of fuck yeah ribs shit off in HK.

But it’s at this point that my rib related dreams take a battering when I try The Ribcage’s coleslaw (HKD28).  In general, I don’t exactly get a raging boner or even a semi-chub for coleslaw, because just how turned on can you get for shredded cabbage, carrot and some creamy dressing?  My reasoning is that if you’re gonna spend calories why would you spend it on mayo drenched cabbage when you could spend it on far superior fuck yeah noms like fried carbs or meat?!  The Ribcage does nothing to dissuade me of this belief because even by bullshit coleslaw standards, The Ribcage’s coleslaw is brimming with EXTRA bullshit.  The shredded cabbage and carrots are barely coated by the dressing, there’s no acidity from vinegar or lemon and just to add some next level coleslaw bullshit, it’s been decoratively topped with a thin slice of pear which is giving an extra “fuck you” by going brown around the edges.  All of this cabbagey mess tastes like dank ass and it’s obviously been carefully matured left to go stale and soggy as fuck by the “kitchen” for at least three days. It’s at this point, I start to ponder just how much raping and genocide I must have committed in a past lifetime to receive this karmic coleslaw related punishment.

im-gonna-need-fucking-therapy-after-this

So it might seem insignificant as it’s just one side dish at a place that’s meant to be punching out killer ribs.  But I was so fucking upset by The Ribcage’s coleslaw because The Ribcage only has FIVE things on their menu which means this FUCK NO coleslaw atrocity is TWENTY FUCKING PERCENT OF THEIR MENU.  If you’re going to have such a limited menu there’s absolutely an expectation that you should be nailing the fuck out of every single item. It’s even more insulting because it’s not even fucking hard to make coleslaw – The Ribcage would have been better off to have kept their shredded cabbage fresh, squeeze in some kewpie mayonnaise and add some lemon juice, before using salt and pepper to season the fucker.  Instead it’s absolutely clear that they DO NOT give a fuck about this dish and I can’t imagine that whoever is in charge could have ever tried that coleslaw and gone “WINNER WINNER CABBAGE DINNER, this is absolutely good to go in my restaurant”.  I know that working in a kitchen is hard fucking work and shit happens, shit goes wrong and sometimes a kitchen just has a shocker of a night.  But this isn’t complicated shit, it’s a tub of pre-made coleslaw that has been made before service and all that’s involved is dishing it out as people order it.  The fact that it’s so seriously fucked up is just beyond the fucking pale and all I can do is imagine shit going down in The Ribcage’s kitchen like this:

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #1:  Fuuuuuck, I’m not sure about this massive tub of coleslaw.  I think it’s a soggy ass mess and the dressing is bullshit.

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #2:  Yeah, anything else you wanna comment on you opinionated know-it-all asshole?

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #1: I think we made it a couple of days ago too, like maybe we should make a fresh batch?

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #2: Fuck me Mr Opinion Get that Freshness into my Goddamn Face, just slice up a nashi pear and make it all fancy and shit then.

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #1: I’m really not sure if that’s gonna fix it though…

Ribcage Kitchen Homie #2: *waves arms and sends coleslaw out of the kitchen*

judy-i-dont-care-gif

From the glory of the fuck yeah beef ribs, we eat our half serve of USA pork baby back ribs (HKD148) which are absolutely, right down the middle of the line, fine.  I would describe them as completely inoffensive, not really falling off the bone and very passably edible.  In a moment of existential elegance, I eat them simply because they’re there.  It’s hardly a glowing recommendation when the only thing you can think is “I am so fucking glad that this is only a half serve of ribs because there is nothing about this dish here that is exciting enough to make me want to eat more”.  It’s sad times though because after the beef ribs, I was expecting some fuck yeah feelings from the pork ribs.

We conclude our sweep of The Ribcage’s entire menu with the Australian lamb ribs (HKD178).   The lamb ribs are absolutely the fucking worst of all the ribs, bringing to a close our maddening and rapid descent into solid fuck no territory while raising so many bewildering questions.  Why is the lamb dressed in the same sweet barbecue sauce? Why is there so much fucking rosemary which doesn’t go at all with the barbecue sauce?  Why is shit so gristly and fatty?  Most importantly, DEAR RIBCAGE, Y U CLAIM U SMOKE UR SHIT FOR FOUR HOURS BLAH BLAH SPECIAL FUCKING SMOKER BLAH BLAH APPLE HICKORY BLAH WOOD BLAH BLAH AND THEN GIVE ME SUCH CHEWY NON-TENDER LAMB RIBS??

lies-2

We finish our food and our friendly waitstaff, efficiently clear our trays and broken dreams away.  However their fuck yeah service and efforts can’t solve all our problems and it’s with a belly full of disappointment and lies, we glumly slip into the streets of Kennedy Town in search of a second dinner to bang bang the pain away.

Verdict:
Fuck noooooooooo because it’s simple fucking maths – only five items on the menu and sixty percent of it is mediocre to flat out bullshit.  Most importantly, no one deserves that thoughtless, fucked up coleslaw in their life.  NO ONE.

1Comment
  • Little Creatures Hong Kong - Volumero
    Posted at 05:27h, 11 March Reply

    […] deal: After rampaging through fuck no disappointment town at The Ribcage, we pushed grimly onto a second bang bang dinner down the road at the microbrewery, Little […]

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