FYN resolutions Tag

Fuck yeah, it’s 2018 and it’s time to set some resolutions for restaurants / bars everywhere. My fuck yeah suggestions for everyone to take onboard this year:

ONE: Importing international chefs to “run” restaurants in Asia before sneaking them out of the country, leaving a poorly executed mess of a restaurant behind. I don’t fucking care how many wet market photoshoots you do where you’re sniffing a bok choy with an old Asian grandma in the background, you can’t keep trying to pass this shit off onto us.

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TWO: Saying “small plates” are “designed for sharing” because let’s be real my restaurant homies, if it’s one fucking bite of overpriced food, no one is sharing shit with anyone. DON’T LIE TO ME, just pony up with the goddamn truth and call them “small plates designed for one”.  Or ants.  But don’t fucking kid yourself that a miniature arancini can be shared between a table of four, you ain’t Jesus with the fishes and loaves and biblical shiz.

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THREE: If you’re gonna cop out and have pre-bottled or barrel aged cocktails, commit to pumping out those drinks quick smart.  Why the fuck are you still bringing me my aperitif cocktails after the food has arrived when I know you don’t have to mix shit?!  While I’m bitching about drinks, can we also cut it out with sexist characterisation of drinks – ie. men love whiskey imbued with power, while women love rose tinged with unequal pay and subservience.  It’s 2018 and we can move past this, I assure you.

pinkwineslutty

FOUR: FUCK NAW TO THE STRAW. Fucking hell, it’s 2018 and we gotta do something about our fuck no, out of control plastic situation. Let’s all commit as restaurants to stop handing out that shit and as consumers, let’s stop asking for that single use plastic bullshit which we use for a minute and then it lasts forever.  None of us need to have a straw to drink because we all have hands and lips which will work just as well. GTFO of here straws.

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FIVE: Misogynistic and sexist AF awards, advertising and campaigns for restaurants. Take the stand this year homies and if a restaurant pulls that shit where they think that their patrons are so fucking shallow that an inviting pair of tits or a piece of hot ass is the reason why you should go and eat there, complain loudly and ensure you don’t ever fucking eat there. Regardless of any bullshit excuses they might have such as there’s live music playing in the background which makes it a performance or “Oh no, don’t worry BB, we also have male models in shitty, skimpy costumes too”.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE HK, THE FANGS ARE OUT:

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SIX: Let’s make a general fuck no grab bag of resolutions addressing Eating Out Fuckery which we’ve all had enough of and has carried on for far too long – four hands anything, Michelin guides, World’s Best 50, pop up tom foolery, bullshit booking systems, HKD150++ tacos, brioche anything, “homies” who still think it’s edgy to sneak out and do lines in restaurant toilets before coming back a gibbering mess to the table (sorry sweetpea, this looks nothing like confidence), restaurants which bang on about sustainability but fly all their goddamn ingredients in and all that other bullshit which takes away from FUCK YEAH NOMS and good times with homies.  NO MEANS NO, WE’VE ALL HAD ENOUGH, go take your place in the Shame Cube and don’t come out until you’ve had a long hard look at yourself.

shamecube

With that, HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR HOMIES – hope you’re all ready to tear the balls off this year and fucking kill it. Shit’s been a bit hectic in 2017 with me getting my Majulah Singapura life organised but I’m back and ready to smash it up.  I hope you’re ready to come along for the fuck yeah ride.  Share your 2018 resolutions in the comments below.

xo fucking xo
Sgt Noms

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