Sichuan Cuisine Da Ping Huo

Sichuan Cuisine Da Ping Huo

Where:
Sichuan Cuisine Da Ping Huo
L/G, Hilltop Plaza, 49 Hollywood Rd.
Central, Hong Kong,

Phone:
+852 2559 1317

Price:
HKD350 + 10% service charge per person.

The deal:
Today’s review is brought to you by a guest, anonymous reviewer.  To protect the innocent, I can attest to the fact that this reviewer is truly a solid nommer.  So listen up and avoid the pain of bad noms.

Let me start this off by saying FUCK NO. We came to this place for a celebratory dinner expecting “set menu/private kitchen” style dining only to find out that we were in the midst of all kinds of bad: horrible lighting, seating and acoustics – rendering eating here similar to eating in a D grade conference room. Coupled with the bad food that came our way, it would been preferable to have been sitting on the street at a dai pai dong and dining with rats.

We came here expecting some HOT ASS Sichuan food but instead received food that resembled bad Chinese take-out with way too much cornstarch and MSG. Everything was too greasy, too goopy, and too gross. The restaurant couldn’t even be fucked with the presentation either.  One of the true monstrosities on the set menu was the pork dumplings (swei jiao) which, in a Sichuan fuck no, weren’t even spicy.  I can say without hesitation that frozen supermarket dumplings are better than these.  The restaurant over boiled them and just dropped them onto a white dinner plate and as the waiter was walking up I witnessed one wretched dumpling making a run for it and the waiter had to use his fingers to stop it from falling on the floor.

There was a claim of no MSG in the food, but I’m convinced these are lies given that later that night, my head felt like it was going to explode and my eyeballs shrivelled into tiny, desiccated raisins. My boyfriend, a depraved and horny man, was so put off by this meal that afterwards, when I tried to tempt him with some poon he actually got angry because he felt so sick and nasty afterwards from the Sichuan experience we’d just endured. Thinking that this must be a fluke I tried to tempt my man with talk of a threesome which then enraged him more because the thought of double poon made him want to vom. I ask you, is this the type of meal you ever want to experience? So bad that a man will turn down not just one pussy but two?

Verdict:
NO. FUCK FUCK NO. (Two fucks for the two turned down pussies. )

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