Penthouse by Harlan Goldstein (Lunch Set)

Penthouse by Harlan Goldstein (Lunch Set)

Penthouse by Harlan Goldstein (fuck me, did I fall into a slider and now it’s 2004 and I’m  browsing a website because I’m interested in buying an apartment and a spinning effect is still impressive?  WTF is this panoramic spinning website bullshit? STAAAAHP HARLAN STAAAAHP)
30/F, Midtown Plaza (Soundwill Plaza II)
1 Tang Lung Street
Causeway Bay, Hong Kong

+852 2970 0828

HKD258 (+10% service charge) for the lunch set.

The deal:
Harlan Goldstein’s name is thrown around all the time with adjectives like ‘brash’, ‘cocky’, ‘larger than life’ and by his own description the ‘number one celebrity chef of Hong Kong’.  When he’s not jawboning Gordon Ramsay into having a boxing match with him, he’s running four restaurants in the Kong – Gold, Comfort, Sushi To and Penthouse which seem to split people down a fuck yeah / fuck no divide.  Penthouse opened about 6 months ago and it’s the top floor of the new Soundwill Plaza II / Midtown Plaza complex which means you’ve got fuck yeah views of Victoria Harbour displayed through floor-to-ceiling windows.  With a name like “Penthouse”, you can imagine that it’s gonna have the typical Goldstein fancy shizz vibe going for it – massive lighted Penthouse sign, wooden parquetry flooring, marble walls and raised leather banquettes.  It’s Christmas time too so shit was decked out with gold baubles and pine wreaths – I can’t deny it, I fucking love classy festive shit. Despite all the industrial fittings and wooden floors, tables are amply spaced out and with the high ceiling, acoustics get a fuck yeah. Fuck yeah to being able to hear conversation over food!

Penthouse’s lunch set is HKD258 (+10% service charge) but that includes antipasti/appetiser buffet, choice of main, desserts buffet + tea or coffee.  You can add extras (soup, truffles and shiz, steak, fresh juice) for extra bucks if you want, but I fucking eat shit tonnes and I was fine on the standard budget-ass lunch set.  The menu describes the appetiser buffet as a ‘5’ Meter Long “HG” table and I gotta confess that I fucking love a salad / antipasti buffet at lunch because you get to pick the shit you want.  Penthouse’s selection was rad times – no pitiful bowls of corn, capsicum and some really sad looking cucumber.  Fuck yeah boards of salami and prosciutto (melon on the side if you want to do that fruit + prosciutto bullshit, but why average the awesome fuck yeah times of top grade prosciutto down with rockmelon or honeydew?  I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND, but I always see people piling up plates of melon at buffets so I’m missing the goddamn cantaloupe joke somewhere), fresh as fuck salad (menu claims organic), homemade foccacia (but I skip that carb jazz cause I fill up on value proteins at a buffet), fresh pesto, dressings, roughly hewn pieces of parmesan (fuck yeahhhhhhh, but fuck no to only being able to eat one piece due to there being so many other fucking options) and roast vegetables.

For main, inspired by the vases full of Christmas baubles and the wreaths, I ordered the slow cooked turkey with yams for main.  Or perhaps, rather than the festive decorations guiding my decisions, it was my deep fucking love for eating giant birds.  OK, I fucking love eating tiny birds like quails and pigeons too.  OK YOU GOT ME, I PRETTY MUCH LOVE EATING ALL ANIMALS. But true story, when I was at the British Natural Museum of History, I stood at the prehistoric animals section, gazing at a stuffed replica of a Moa and I could only look at dem thighs and ruminate how fucking tasty would a Moa be?? MOA, Y U have to be extinct, so I will never know the beauty of supping on your extinct flesh? I was concerned though that a slab of dry ass boring as fuck turkey breast was about to come my way, because that’s what everyone seems to like.  I always ask people (ie. white folk) why they prefer boring ass breast meat and I always get bullshit answers like “I dunno, I guess it’s easier to eat” and I always want to shout back “Baby food is easy to eat, that doesn’t make it any fucking good though??”, followed by:


But my waiter homie had given me the heads up that they’ve been slow cooking their turkey for six hours and he promised me it was going to be ‘so tender’.  Fuck yeah shout out to the waiter homies at Penthouse who were totally on their shit, water glasses always full and attentive but not in your fucking face. This is truly a Hong Kong Miracle.

When my turkey arrives, it’s presented on a wooden board.  I gotta say because I’m a pedantic crockery homie, I am not down with eating my meal off a chopping / bread board.  I blame Jamie Oliver for starting this trend with his ‘tasting planks’ or whatever the fuck he called them. I’m happy to take my bread off a bread board but fuck me, what’s wrong with a plate for non-bread items? At least Penthouse’s board has a groove around the edge so your turkey juice / crumbs aren’t going to run all over the goddamn place.  But crockery (or lack thereof) aside, the main consists of sliced turkey breast, a turkey thigh roulade, some mashed yam and homemade cranberry sauce.  Dat turkey was a major FUCK YEAH – probably the best festive bird I’ve had in HK for a while and not just because it’s the first one that actually had some dark meat on it.  The thigh is rolled into a roulade which means there are no bones to keep the lazy eaters happy and the breast meat was actually tender and juicy as fuck.  IT’S A FUCKING CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.  The cranberry sauce was made by Penthouse and not out of some lame ass jar, so it avoided the sugar bomb effect and kept that fuck yeah tart cranberry flavour.  The yam (sweet potato) mash was mixed with some pureed apple to keep shit interesting but it didn’t have so much apple that you ended up with some feral fruity sweet yam mash disaster. Dat yam was giving me some serious fuck yeah feels. Fuck yeah to mains which are a slam dunk of fuck yeah components.

I rolled my turkey filled ass straight into the desserts buffet and there weren’t any offerings which looked super fucking rude.  By ‘rude’ I’m referring to when you’re at a dessert buffet and there’s these mini desserts where they’re just too fucking bright, gelatinous or it’s trying to do a “twist on a classic” which means all of a sudden you’re faced with an abomination of an apricot tiramisu or a lavender mint cheesecake. Slight disappointment that something which looked like a mini piece of Christmas Pudding with creme anglaise turned out to be pretty much a brownie (which was still a fuck yeah, but I wanted festive pud pud times after warming up with a turkey main), a fuck yeah mini apple crumble and fuck yeah millefeuille times.  For once, I’ll give big ups to food for ants portioning because after smashing up so much in the preceding rounds, I just wanna be able to have a taste of a few fuck yeah desserts rather than slogging my way through a massive slab of some mediocre dessert.

Finished up with a choice of tea or coffee which is included (vs. getting the HKD50+ extra sting for coffee at the end of the meal) and overall, shit was tight.

Fuck yeahhhh – attentive service, slick venue, lunch set value and for the first time in my life, I didn’t pass out from boredom and hatred after eating turkey breast. WHERE IS MY DARK MEAT GOD NOW?

  • waterfallsandcaribous
    Posted at 06:59h, 20 December Reply

    Korean Fried Moa shall be on the menu. We’ve just lied to the world and hidden their existence.

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