Jamie’s Italian (Hong Kong)

Jamie’s Italian (Hong Kong)

Where:
Jamie’s Italian
2/F, Soundwill Plaza II- Midtown
1 Tang Lung Street
Causeway Bay, Hong Kong

Phone:
+852 3958 2222 (don’t bother though, they’re booked through to the end of September and refer below to the clusterfuck of fail experienced)

Price:
Starters around HKD70.  Pasta mains are around HKD110 – HKD165.  No service charge, tip what you think is fair.  That’s if you ever get in the fucking restaurant.

The deal:
Whenever I watch Jamie Oliver’s 15-Minute Meals on TV, I get extremely fucking agitated about his alleged bullshit claims that yes, you too can whip up your own Chicken Stir Fry and Coconut Buns (including making dough from scratch – like mixing goddamn flour and water together) in FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES.  My most indignant moment was when he made something with black olives in it and he started bish bash boshing about an immaculate kitchen full of Jamie Oliver Tefal ware while he announced confidently to the camera that you don’t even need to buy pitted olives, just smash them with a knife and the pits will come out, real pukka like.  R U fucking kidding me, Jamie?!  You’ve only got fifteen fucking minutes and you’re telling people to manually fucking PIT their own olives??  I can’t even remember what the fucking dish was because I ended up shouting “Lies, lies from tiny eyes!!” at the TV before falling into a rage blackout, no doubt missing the instructions on how to make a fucking Jacobean Banquet in just fifteen minutes.

So despite the lies, I thought I’d try Jamie’s Italian – not because I thought it was going to be the best meal of my life, but despite my dour attitude, sometimes I just want to try new shit in this town that everyone is excited about so I can have vindicated fuck yeah / fuck no opinions.  I tried to book a table at Jamie’s Italian and upon calling them, was told that only 20% of their seats can be booked and tough shit, they are booked up til 27 September.  However, with 80% of their seats saved for walk-ins and they have 200 seats, I figured with 160 seats for the taking odds were not fucking impossible.  Arriving at about 15 minutes before open at 12pm, shit didn’t look too hopeless.  There didn’t appear to be 160 people in a line, which was starting to snake the fuck down Tang Lung Street.  The staff then appeared, asking people how many you were and later, they returned to us and the following exchange occurred.

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  Hello miss, we cannot guarantee that you will be in the first sitting.

Sgt Noms:  What do you mean?  You’ve got a list of names / numbers, when you add it up how close are we to the 160 seats that you have spare in your restaurant?

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  It depends on how the tables before you pick their seats.

Sgt Noms:  But surely you guys designate where people sit, to ensure maximum use of your space?

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  Yes, but people might decide they don’t want to sit a particular way.

Sgt Noms:  But, we don’t look that far back in the line though – so how long before we actually get into the restaurant and you can tell me whether or not we fit into the first sitting?

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  One hour.

Sgt Noms:  ONE HOUR before we even get in the restaurant?!?!  This isn’t even after a sitting??  Don’t you guys open at 12pm?  It’s only 12:05!!!

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  Yes, my manager has told me that even if you are in the first sitting it is estimated that from where you are now, it will be one hour before you will actually enter the restaurant.

Sgt Noms:  I don’t understand – how can it be one hour til we actually sit down if we are in the first sitting if you open at 12pm??

Jamie’s Italian flunky:  While we open at 12pm, people have been lining up since 10:30am.

I still don’t fucking understand.  How can you take one hour to seat us, if we were in the first sitting and there’s not even people eating in the restaurant yet??  Given the fact that reviews aren’t exactly that complimentary of Jamie’s Italian (and this is coming from mainstream publications which generally love to suck cock of every hot new thing in HK), shit really can’t be that good.  I read a review which not only egregiously uses some fuck no phrases of “ingredients speak for themselves” (only acceptable if ingredients were actually vocalising shit) and describes a name for a brownie as “boisterous”, concludes that Jamie’s Italian had Great recipes, with unfortunately poor execution – what does that even mean and how does something like that even score 2 out of 5 stars?  I thought the whole goddamn point of going to a restaurant is to have good execution, otherwise why not just photocopy your recipes and pass them out to punters and write “HEY WE FUCKING TRIED, TIP PLZ?” in tomato sauce on the plate, next to an artful smear of red wine jus.

So based on the fucking bullshit debacle of actually trying to get into a mid-market restaurant (Jamie’s official positioning, not my judgmental as fuck assessment) and some seating system I still don’t fucking get, I’m now reviewing restaurants without actually eating their food, Lonely Planet writing country guide styleez.  But FYN is based on “Would you go back – fuck yeah or fuck no” and FUCK NO, I’ve concluded ain’t nobody got time for that.  WELL, I guess somebody got time for that – given some people are fucking losing their shit for this celebrity chef concept and were lining up at TEN FUCKING THIRTY AM for mid-market Italian food.

Verdict:
Fuck no.  I’ll just assume it was fucking pedestrian and poorly executed and pit some olives in my kitchen.

NEWS JUST IN – Jamie Oliver has provided his response to FYN’s review:

dryingtearsmoney

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Fuck yeah or fuck no?

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