How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 2

How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 2

Ok, so you took the lessons from Part 1 “Thesaurus Abuse – How to Use it to Your Goddamn Advantage and still, the Mandarin Oriental has invited you to JACK SHIT.  This is no fucking good – we have got to get your freeloading, gay for pay ass onto that junket circuit ASAP.  So settle in homies, it’s time for me to walk you through “How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 2” – Abuse of the Goddamn Exclamation Mark.

A key component of capturing that really facetious, pandering tone is to write like you are a goddamn, moronic sweetheart.  To get into character, imagine that you fucking love eating with friends, pinning trendy shit like succulent arrangements in wooden crates, holidays in the Mediterranean, an armful of knotted bracelets, wavy beach hair and bold typographic motivational statements to your Pinterest and don’t forget, OMGGG, you just LOVE to eat!  Food is life!  So in order to capture that “carpe diem, I love to brunch with friends and I love pretty, trendy things” vibe it is essential that you go totally fucking overboard with exclamation marks.  Because exclamation marks are a perfect fucking vehicle to show people that you are the living embodiment of joie de vivre, as you live a life brimming with passion and not a second of regret.

Because making a big life change is pretty scary – but you know what’s even scarier?   LIVING WITH FUCKING REGRET.  So get ready to change your shit up with FYN’s How to Guide on how to abuse exclamation marks as aided by some Korean celebrities who demonstrate that sweet, innocent personality you need to channel, because shit is not as straight forward as just putting a fucking exclamation mark at the end of every sentence you write.

My Foodie Adventures to a Hot New Resto!

kpopwakingup

When I woke up today, I was just soooo super excited.  Why, you might ask?  Because today was finally when I got to go and try the new and buzzing [Insert name of restaurant here]!

[FYN note:  Rhetorical questions in the middle of two sentences ending with exclamation marks will truly show your talents as a very creative food writer.]

kpopbesties

When we arrived, the place was just gorgeous and life was even better because I got to be with my best girl friends!

[FYN note:  Any reference to your girl friends must almost definitely be punctuated by an exclamation mark.]

kpopblowkiss

So much love for these gorgeous girls! Mwah mwah xo

[FYN Note:  The use of ‘xo’ versus a ! here, brings a softness and realness to the love for your mwah mwah bitches.]

kpopsograteful

So grateful to have these beautiful girls in my life! Love you!

[FYN note:  Fucking bonus points now – “So grateful” is always interchangeable with “So blessed” and “Truly thankful”.  HOWEVER, do not call them your “Best bitches”.]

kpopdumpling

Anyways, when our food arrived – the famous dumplings were really just beautiful bundles of joy! I slurped up these pillowy beauties with much glee.  Just delish!

[FYN Note:  Use of a three sentence format which ends with an exclamation mark, full stop, exclamation mark will give your writing a really fucking natural cadence, demonstrating that while you are excited about food (because omg, you just totally LOVE FOOD) that you also have a soft side.  Readers love fucking complex writers.]

kpopicecream

As you all know, I just fricken love sweet things! Some say it’s because I’m such a sweet person….LOL!  Just kidding!

[FYN Note:  Another demonstration of the exclamation mark, full stop, exclamation mark three sentence format.  HOWEVER, if you use a short one word sentence you can back that bitch straight onto another sentence ending in an exclamation mark.  So fucking nuanced!  You guys are totally going to fucking nail this.]

kpopcrying

The ice-cream was such a delectable delight, it was just sooooo yum!  I wanted it to go on forever but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  I was so sad!

[FYN Note:  Exclamation mark, full stop, exclamation mark – go forth, I know you guys can fucking do this.  Don’t look back FYN homies, the future is now yours to own.  I believe in you.]

kpoplove

Just love love love the food here!

[FYN Note:  This would not work as Love! Love! Love! because it makes you sound like you’re singing a goddamn pop song or a football cheer versus expressing your love for whatever the fuck you were eating.  However, “Love love LOVE” would be acceptable to demonstrate your rising affection for FOOD OMG SO MUCH DELICIOUSNESS.]

kpoppointing

After all’s said and done, we really had a fantabulous night at [Insert name of restaurant here]! But this was definitely due to the warm and hospitable service we received from the very friendly staff here.  Our night wouldn’t have been the same without you!!

[FYN note:  When you get to the end of the review, you can start to bust out double exclamation marks, to really emphasise your goddamn point.]

kpopwink

Anyways my intrepid readers – thanks again for reading and following me on another NOMventure! You guys are really what makes writing this all worthwhile!

Sgt Noms xoxo

Read Part 1

4 Comments
  • fletcher christian
    Posted at 00:38h, 15 September Reply

    You couldn’t possibly be referring to something like this, could you? Not with three exclamation marks in the name alone? *impales eyeballs on rusty nails through violent headbanging motion* xoxo

    That Food Cray !!! ‏@ThatFoodCray
    Happy birthday #missbish @shopmissbish. That’s a peanut butter & jelly cake btw!

    • Sgt Noms
      Posted at 07:21h, 15 September Reply

      Yo Fletcher, That Food Cray !!! is definitely not one of the worst offenders and wasn’t one of the inspirations behind this series. There are far darker, more awful depths of the HK food blogging scene…

      • Jen
        Posted at 15:43h, 16 September Reply

        I agree. For instance, check out this full-of-horseshit Instagram caption:

        “Apart from the banoffee pie from Zaks in D-bay, the #pavlova from Wagyu is my current love child!”

        Not really pertaining to the exclamation mark category but I’m afraid the shitty language is always what gets me the most. I also wanted to stab my eyes out when I read a comment saying “That looks so healthyish XD”

        • Sgt Noms
          Posted at 18:50h, 22 September Reply

          No lie, I read a blog which used YUMMYLICIOUS. Who are these people? Why do they want to watch the world burn?

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