A Fuck Yeah Noms’ Guide to 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

A Fuck Yeah Noms’ Guide to 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

So it’s the end of the year and we all start to feel like guilty fuckers and decide we have to make some resolutions to become a fitter, happier, more productive version of ourselves.  Some of you wishful dickheads will think that drinking cold-pressed juice for a week is going to undo a month of hard liquor and fuck yeah fried foods.  Other assholes are gonna swear off the booze for a month in a quest for No-Fun January or whatever cutesy Sober Named month they’re gonna get behind.  Perhaps you’re planning to be one of those all gear no idea gym enthusiasts or you’re gonna lay down all the cash ever to join Ultimate Optimum Superfit Topcunt Personal Training Studio so some meathead can push you to your absolute sweaty fuckface no dignity limits by making you shove some sled contraption around followed by some fucking disgraceful burpees and a pseudo-erotic stretch session to close.

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However, I understand the innate desire to set some boundaries for 2016 because I fucking love a good new year’s resolution.  Particularly when I set my new year’s shiz at levels which are actually gonna result in me having a FUCK YEAH year.  In 2015, I made it my new year’s resolution to NOT go to a single Castelo Concept’s restaurant and this resulted in 2,000% less disappointment in my overall dining experiences in 2015.  But don’t worry my FYN homies, I have got you and here are some suggested FUCK YEAHHH new year’s resolutions to make sure you’re living your best life in 2016.

ONE: Put the goddamn phone away at the dinner table

So you’re really fucking excited about catching up with some of your homies.  You’ve all made the time to sit down together for a meal, try some rad as fuck restaurant out and you all arrive at the table and then everyone starts to mash wildly at their phone with the intensity of a thousand suns or yell out “STOP!!!” as they photograph their meal to absolute death from a million different angles, as the food grows colder much like your enthusiasm for socialising with human beings ever again.

naomihereforthat

So how’s this for an idea in 2016 – wait for all your homies to arrive and then put your phone away.  Have a conversation with actual people that you allegedly care about, seeing as they’re right in front of you.  Look at the menu, I mean, really look at the menu.  Have a discussion about what you want to eat, what looks interesting, what you’ve tried before, what sounds fucking terrible.  Keep your phone out of it.  Order your food and while you wait, talk to the people who are actually at the goddamn table.  If you really get fucking desperate to talk to people not at the table, smuggle your phone to the bathroom and furiously catch up on messages in the privacy of a toilet cubicle so no one ever suspects you’re a rude fuck.  Your food will arrive and instead of photographing the fuck out of it, just use your own goddamn eyes to look at it and eat it hot from the kitchen like the chef intended.  Maybe you’ll smell something fucking phenomenal or it’s absolutely like nothing you expected. Either way, talk about it with the people you’re with rather than posting it straight to Instagram and then watching the love hearts accumulate, in between bites of food and checking your Facebook.  Think about shit like how did the kitchen make something look like that?  Chew your food.  I mean, really chew your food.  Be a pretentious asshole and make bullshit comments about flavour profiles, balance, technique and contrast, like how the acidity of the lemon really cut through the fat.  But don’t check your email.  Don’t check your Tinder.  Don’t check your Whatsapp.  Don’t check your Facebook.  Don’t check your Snapchat.  Don’t check your Twitter.  Don’t check your Instagram.  If you’re with your friends, just enjoy it – who knows how many times you’ll get these chances to be together before they move or slip away? If you’re on a date, check your date out. If you’re with someone you haven’t seen for ages, get them to tell you what they’ve been up to. If you’re with someone that you love, look them straight in the eye and tell them that you fucking love them. Drink more wine.  Make sure everyone else has wine.  Tuck the memories of your favourite dishes into your head like where you were, who you were with and when you ate it.  Years later, you won’t need a crappy photo on your phone to remember how it all went down.

2016.  This is the year to fuck off the perfect shot and just enjoy being in the goddamn moment.

TWO:  Call your bullshit non-drinking San Pellegrino guzzling homies out when they try to pay less on a split bill

All of us have been in the below situation:


Enter waiter carrying the bill for the group to consider

Non-drinking San Pellegrino guzzling homie (NDSPGH):  Ohhhh, so you know I didn’t drink any of the alcohol, so when we split the bill, we should exclude the alcohol and split the rest evenly, yeah?

Wine drinking homie (WDH):  Well, I guess that’s technically true but… (looks down at the bill to the San Pellegrino sparkling water line item which is equivalent to the GDP of a small to medium sized African country)

NDSPGH: (intense silent stare at WDH)

WDH:  (intense silent stare at NDSPGH)

samueljacksoncatstare


ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH.  2016 is the year we can all give a big FUCK NO to all the non-drinking San Pellegrino guzzling homies and their bill related bullshit.  To all the San Pellegrino filled, sanctimonious as fuck, super hydrated jackasses, you can’t fucking claim amnesty on paying for wine if you drink the monetary equivalent in imported, fizzy flavourless water.

donewithyourshit

THREE: Ditch your flakey asshole friends

Let’s be real, life’s too fucking short to be dealing with alleged friends who can’t cope with simple concepts like showing up to a dining venue at a set time without fucking shit up.  Sorry to all those flakey fuckers out there who can’t grasp basic shit like scheduling, the only shit I want flakey in 2016 are my goddamn croissants.

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FOUR:  Stop calling food a “guilty pleasure”

The number of times I hear people saying they feel guilty as fuck about the food they eat is fucking disgraceful.  Somewhere along the way we’ve managed to get all twisted about how we feel about food and what it can potentially do to our bodies rather than just enjoying the pure and unbridled joy of getting some FUCK YEAH NOMS.  We’re all so stressed out about eating carbs, gluten, saturated fats, sugars, grains, legumes or processed shit. NO MORE HOMIES, in 2016 let’s all stop with all that food related self loathing bullshit and here’s to only calling your food a ‘guilty pleasure’ if you fucking stole it from someone.  Other than that, eat the good shit in moderation and go for a goddamn run or some exercise related bullshit if you’re really fucking smashing back the eats.

FYN FUN FACT:  No one ever lies on their deathbed and thinks back wistfully upon their life and thinks “Fuck, I wish I’d eaten more lean proteins and salad”. NO ONE.

ALICEdontcare

FIVE:  Stop taking lame-ass photos of your champagne glass at the airport lounge

If you’re one of those ball bags who has ever taken a photo of your champagne glass at an airport lounge and uploaded it to any sort of social media, it’s time to make 2016 the year where you check yourself before you fucking wreck yourself.  Seriously, there’s no need to be bragging about that bullshit as all you’ve really managed to do is get your ass onto a plane for a couple of long haul flights every year to get that access.  How does the internal thought process even work? Do you settle your ass into the airport lounge and think “Fuck, this sure is the good shit and everyone I know needs to know about this and I should hashtag the fuck out of it as well so even random people I don’t know could potentially know about my free champagne and big pimpin’ life”?  So you set up your airport lounge vignette, placing your glass of complimentary champagne just off to the left, organise your boarding passes to make sure the “FIRST” or “BUSINESS” shit is showing,  place your branded wallet or travel folio just in view and artfully arrange your passport just so before you throw out a big shout out to @cathaypacific for the upgrade and then get your #wandercunt #instadouche #fuckwitlust ON.

Seriously, check these real life, big swinging champagne sculling travel dicks out:

OH HAY DANIEL TAO, how’s the United States of Ratemyself.com going?  Y U no first all the way doe?

It’s a long way home, but thanks to @cathaypacific for the great start.

A photo posted by Daniel T (@dtaroundtheworld) on

Maybe I’m just jealous of Jackie cause the way I roll is more like a jelly roll:

First class lounging and champagne in Hong Kong airport, this is how we roll 😎   A photo posted by jakkameily (@jakkameily) on

Jonne pondered the perfect hashtag, admiring the gentle curve of his champagne flute.  “#champagne” seemed obvious as he watched another plane pull out across the tarmac. Then inspiration hit like the sharp fizz of #moët which he had been born to love “#shampoo #Oneworld #frequenttraveller” flowed naturally, like honey from his worldly fingertips as they darted above his iPhone.  Jonne knew that this is what being #first was all about:

 

Hai Elyse BB gurl, I hope you got that hotty (sic) that you urge for:

Fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhh worldly douchefucks, balee dat everyone else is really fucking impressed.  Yo #wandercunt homies, it truly is a life well travelled…to Dickhead Town.

pocohontasidgaf


Of course, if the above resolutions are too much fucking work, just make the very attainable resolution to eat more fucking carbs because as always, carb life = best life.  Go well in 2016 my FYN homies because together we can all have a FUCK YEAH year xo fucking xo.

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