How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 1

How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 1

Whenever I think that perhaps I’m being too fucking harsh on people who blog their every waking moment involving food, I crank open any number of popular HK Food Blogs (no, I’m not going to link them because I’m not here to start shit) and I’m reminded that all my feels are entirely justified as I read another empty, adjective laden review which is what I can only assume is the product of people mashing words into a thesaurus (shift+F7, bitches), thinking “Shit hot damn, I am really fucking literary” because check it, they use big fucking words.

FYN’s Artist impression:

noidea

People often ask me, if I read X or Y HK food blog and I say FUCK NO, cause that shit is (mostly) gone fucked up. But what do I fucking know, cause those morons have a bazillion readers (or do they just look at the shitty, overblown photos) and are being courted by all the big hotels / dining chains to come to every fucking opening and special chef’s event so they can continue to pen effusive bullshit for the public to consume, which presumably translates into bookings and more readers. People sometimes justify it and say that I’m too fucking harsh because for some of these bloggers/writers, “English isn’t their first language” but seriously, unless they teach you in school how to write like a fucking, pandering, delightful idiot (confession, I haven’t checked what the English syllabus looks like so perhaps this was a semester’s work) then IDGAF.  If you put your shit online, I’m going to fucking judge you and your fucking offensive use of adjectives and exclamation marks.

Don’t fear though – the world of illustrious openings, free food and writing like a total fucking idiot is within your grasp though.  Imma going to step you guys through HOW TO BE A FUCKING AWFUL THOUGH POPULAR FOOD BLOGGER and today’s lesson is going to be around Thesaurus Abuse – How to Use it to Your Goddamn Advantage.

So it’s time to amp your blog up with some really fucking big words and unusual vocabulary to display just how wondrous the dinner you just ate was and how fucking big your brain is. Why describe something as luxurious when you can amp it up with another adjective to make you sound like a literary genius and call it lavishly luxurious?  I’ve put together a sample list that you can roll out when you’re writing your next review.

Category #1:  Over the top descriptions

Your pure objective here is to take a perfectly adequate description but go completely over the top, because well – thesaurus – I HAZ IT. Some suggestions:

  • Bacchanalian cocktails
  • Contiguous elements
  • Culinary pariah
  • Insurmountable belief
  • Parochial point of view
  • Prodigious, epic beverage
  • Scintillating provenance
  • Tantalising approach

Example:  The Chef at XXX has been held up as a culinary pariah due to his parochial point of view in respect of how best to display this authentic produce, but he has won the hearts and minds of those who have experienced his tantalising approach to preparing his ingredients of scintillating provenance.  While we patiently waited for the magic to begin, the contiguous elements of the Bacchanalian cocktails, overcame my previously insurmountable belief that only a prodigiously epic beverage would be able to quench my previously unslakeable thirst.

NGL, I kinda want to punch myself in the groin after writing that.

Category #2:  Plain fucking wrong or nonsensical descriptions

I fucking realised how key this category was when I read two separate sites this week – one which referred to a new cocktail list as being “abominably creative” (in what was meant to be a compliment…um, hey wordy asswipe, I don’t think ‘abominable’ means what you think it means – ie. something bad or something which causes moral revulsion) and another which referred to a caprese salad being “comfortingly fresh”.  I mean, that’s really fucking lucky because I fucking hate it when I get something fresh in a restaurant and it’s really uncomfortably fresh.

Here are some combos which sound fucking smart but contribute absolutely nothing to your review.  You should use them liberally and without thought:

  • Abhorrently inventive
  • Androgenous bread basket
  • Congenial aqueous produce
  • Despicably authentic
  • Monogamously flavoursome
  • Nomadic authenticity
  • Pellucid service
  • Repugnantly original
  • Therapeutic inventiveness

Category #3:  Alliterative as fuck

My English teacher when I was 10 years old taught me that it creates a lot of impact to use alliteration and trust me, that technique you used to get a ‘GOOD JOB’ on the haiku you wrote back in 5th Grade can also be applied to your food writing as a bona fide adult.  Bonus points if you add elements of Category #2 in the combo as well:

  • A droll delight
  • A diasporic delicacy
  • Lackadaisically luxurious
  • A miasma of morsels
  • Pulchritudinous pastry
  • Quixotically quaint
  • Undulating unctuousness

So, go forth and feel free to use these fucking phrases with wild abandon.  Just remember where you got your start when you’re sitting down at some Summer Truffle Tasting Menu at some fancy as fuck hotel while you’re surrounded by a bunch of food blogging assholes taking photos.  It only costs you your dignity and the ability to write like a ditzy, easily impressed moron.

Stay tuned for How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger – Part 2 “Abuse of the Goddamn Exclamation Mark”.  In the meantime, plentiful peace to all my ridiculously, resplendent as fuck readers.

6 Comments
  • Maddos
    Posted at 08:57h, 09 September Reply

    I googled “abominably creative” and found that site. Then I puked.

    • Sgt Noms
      Posted at 08:59h, 09 September Reply

      I’m so fucking sorry. I love you guys too fucking much to directly link you to that shit.

  • Jen
    Posted at 16:08h, 13 September Reply

    Only you can compile such a list and still make it a fucking good read. I would also like to complain about food bloggers and PEOPLE IN GENERAL who are fuck-all about proper spelling. Do they even read the shit they’re posting? “Autumn has defiantly arrived.” “I got to have a SNEAK PEAK of chef so-and-so’s new menu…” Here’s a sneek peek on how to spell ‘sneak peek’ correctly: sneak, fucking PEEK. Or all they all so high on the melt-in-your-mouth, UUUNNCCCTUUUUOUS pork belly that they have some surreal delusions of sneaky mountains and seasons each having some sort of unique temperament???

    • Sgt Noms
      Posted at 13:31h, 14 September Reply

      I fucking love you. FUCK NO TO SNEAK PEAK

  • Jen
    Posted at 16:13h, 13 September Reply

    I’m glad that people finally seem too have shut the fuck up about “yolk-porn”(KILL YOURSELVES) though.

  • A Fuck Yeah Noms Guide - How to be a Fucking Awful Though Popular Food Blogger - Part 2
    Posted at 13:38h, 14 September Reply

    […] so you took the lessons from Part 1 “Thesaurus Abuse – How to Use it to Your Goddamn Advantage“ and still, the Mandarin Oriental has invited you to JACK SHIT.  This is no fucking good – […]

Fuck yeah or fuck no?

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