Fuck Yeah, 2014! – Part #1: Hong Kong

Fuck Yeah, 2014! – Part #1: Hong Kong

So it’s the end of the fucking year and every other fucking food blog is doing their top 10 new restaurants or top 20 dishes and imploring their ‘dear readers’ to chime in to help them choose the crème de la crème (FUCK NO) of their eating experiences in 2014. How fucking delightful! It’s essentially going to be like posting your Facebook Year in Review which no1curr about – but fuck yeah, my year in review (yo, add me if you want homies, I’ll randomly show up on your FB to post ‘Fuck Yeahhhhhh’) went a little something like this:

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But fuck that new is best shit that HK seems to be into, cause I don’t think that I went to ten new fuck yeah restaurants that I can reflect upon and remember as stand out 2014 experiences. Instead, imma just gonna get my Captain Nostalgia pants on and self-indulgently recap FYN’s 2014 fuck yeah highlights and fuck no lowlights in the Kong.

FYN’S 2014 ‘THIS IS BULLSHIT’ AWARDS

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I was thinking I should make this award section like every other fucking HK magazine and list approximately THREE HUNDRED restaurants and then every single goddamn restaurant in HK could post some self-congratulatory Facebook post about how fucking honoured they are to be named as an award winner. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT GUYS, IT’S AN HONOUR AND A PRIVILEGE TO BE RECOGNISED.  I mean check this shit out from the 2014 Awards Season – Crave Bites of Distinction (lolzzzzz official ‘Small Bites’ award aka Food for Ants award section), WOM Top 10 (I started counting but passed out just counting the categories – is there really a need for FOUR Japanese categories which results in 40 awards just for Japanese restaurants in HK??) and The Foodie Forks (50+ awards??).

Listen up, you special individual restaurant snowflakes I dunno if being one of three hundred award winners means your shit is that fucking special – cause if every restaurant asshole is winning some sort of fucking prize, doesn’t your common as fuck victory feel a bit like this?

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So onto FYN’s Top Five ‘This is Bullshit’ award for 2014 – not so sure this is going to be shared as liberally on Facebook with a gushing claim of what an honour this is though:

Nominee #1: Missy Ho’s
I thought that I’d actually found a Castelo Concept’s restaurant that didn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out from mediocrity and inappropriate price points. The first two times I went to Missy Ho’s shit was fun – the food was a fuck yeah, you got to put on cute animal hats to provide solid raw material for likeable Facebook posts, drink rad cocktails and then the bar staff would take their shirts off, do flips and shit on the bar and urge patrons to get on the swing that ran straight through the restaurant. However on a third visit to Missy Ho’s, shit fell apart pretty spectacularly – the service was super shithouse, they were sold out of everything, they ran out of coffee so they couldn’t make espresso martinis and when asked why everything was so fucking terrible the bar staff gave the wan excuse of that it had been a long week. Listen up sweetcheeks, we’ve all had a long week which is why we’re here trying to throw down money for cocktails. I’m not in the business of having to beg for food or drinks, which is why FYN moved Missy Ho’s from a fuck yeah to a fuck no. I also wonder if Missy Ho’s ever got their asses down to Japan Home Centre to get some proper wine glasses or if they’re still using champagne flutes for serving wine…

Nominee #2: Gaucho
There’s something entirely galling about a steak restaurant that trumpets about how fucking great their steak is and then they can’t cook a fucking steak to the temperature/doneness that you ordered. I requested rare and got an unevenly cooked steak which ranged from largely medium, some medium rare and a spot of potentially rare in the middle. Like seriously Gaucho, YOU HAD ONE JOB:

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Service was off and in petty twitter times, their GM tweeted me (account now deleted) to suggest that perhaps waving was more effective than trying to make eye contact with their staff. Fuck that shit cause a) this ain’t my first time trying to get a bill or service in a restaurant before and b) I wave vigorously when I’m drowning, not when I’m dining.  Crave Magazine awarded them a 2014 Bites of Distinction in their ‘Famous Players’ category though so maybe Gaucho’s not all that bad (lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).

Nominee #3: The Pawn
The intense and relentless #imworththewait campaign which culminated in taking a historic HK building which had some character and turned it into a sanitized space which felt like eating in a furniture store with overpriced, mediocre food and super shithouse service. That dry ass, tasteless brioche toast was a crime against all that was gluten and holy. I don’t fucking give a shit if you grow your herbs botanicals on your rooftop, I just cannot with HKD500+ mediocre meals with clunky service even if there’s new renovations and some cheffy asshole from Britain who’s never there and tweets everything twice, designed the menu.  #NOTWORTHTHEWAIT #NOTWORTHTHEWAIT.

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Nominee #4: Neighborhood
A fairly average, though very instagrammable meal which was largely forgettable except they served complimentary caneles at the end of the meal.   The cat anus cakes had some really fucking awful aftertaste, as I struggled through multiple bites as I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on.  Once I got home, I worked myself into a lather through furious whatsapping with Ms Waterfalls and Caribous, writing outraged paragraphs for FYN and all in all, spending too much fucking time researching about caneles.  On the flip though, does it mean Fuck Yeah Noms has made it if you write up less than flattering shit up about a restaurant and then said restaurant pays Facebook sponsorship bucks to reference your fuck no reviews to its broader audience?  FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH.

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Nominee #5: Jamie’s Italian
This was FYN’s most popular post of the year which seems pretty fucking ironic given that I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING EAT THERE. I attempted to eat here not because I thought this was going to be the best fucking meal of my life but sometimes I just want to try shit that people are excited about so I can curmudgeonly take away their enjoyment by flinging a fuck no in their direction.  Instead I diligently queued up in a ludicrously long line and got told that it’d take them an hour to figure out if I’d even make the first sitting (LURN 2 COUNT, JAMIE’S ITALIAN).  I read the horrendous reviews which still awarded two stars out of five for Great recipes, with unfortunately poor execution (WTF is the point of a restaurant if there’s no execution??) while people got their shit all twisted when some food bloggin’ asshole showed their ‘food writer’s card’ to skip the long lines. And while researching this shit, I’ve come across Sassy’s review and between the use of ‘decadent’, getting excited about planks on retro tomato tins and egregious overuse of exclamation marks, I don’t want to go on anymore.

FYN’S reaction to continuing to read Sassy reviews and still getting fucking upset by the effusive, ‘everything’s so deliciousness!’ style:

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THE WINNER OF FYN’S 2014 ‘THIS IS BULLSHIT’ AWARDS: Jamie’s Italian
It is truly a glorious indication of the world we live in where famous chefs can slap their name on restaurants, never visit the restaurant to see how shit is travelling, serve mediocre pedestrian dishes and still bank coin with this thoroughly bullshit model.  As always, Jamie has provided his response to FYN’s views on his restaurant model:

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FYN’S 2014 STAND OUT HK EATS

These are the meals or dishes that I fucking dreamed about afterwards and aren’t necessarily from a new restaurant.  In no particular order – here come the fuck yeah memories:

STAND OUT EAT #1: Ho Lee Fook – Beef Short Rib
While I still cringe every time I have to tell someone I went to Ho Lee Fook (OMG GUYS IT SOUNDS LIKE HOLY FUCK) and despite the dining room being dark as fuck and its menus are not friendly to the colourblind or old (sure, black text on dark green paper) I have nothing but deep fucking love for Jowett Yu’s beef short rib with dat green chilli onion kimchi. I see Jowett in the upstairs kitchen and he sometimes smiles through the glass and I wanna write Jowett a love-letter which declares ‘I FUCKING LOVE YOUR SHORT RIB. IT GIVES ME THE FEELS, BEST SGT NOMS’ and to slam it on his kitchen window, so he knows my true feelings for his fuck yeah short rib. But I also don’t want to be too much of a fucking weirdo so instead I write anonymous expletive laden reviews about his restaurant instead and wait one day for him to acknowledge my short rib fuck yeah feelings. TWEET ME JOWETT, IMMA WAITING FOR YOU.

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IT’S A LOVE STORY, BABY JUST SHORT RIBS.

STAND OUT EAT #2: Carbone – Lamb Chop / New York Cheesecake
You may have guessed that I eat out a lot in the Kong and with a new restaurant opening every 10 minutes, shit’s gotta be exceptional for me to go back multiple times. In a true testament to what a fuck yeah I think this place is, Carbone only opened in July and I’ve been back FIVE FUCKING TIMES. Fuck yeah American Italian food, spot on service from purple tuxedo wearing attentive waiter homies, Motown soul jams and a dining room which rocks out that white tiled NYC vibe but praise be, has red velvet curtains and tall leather banquettes to soak up some of the reverb, which means you can still fucking hear conversation at the table. FYN’s pro-tip is to book a few weeks in advance, go with at least four people so you get to try more dishes (Carbone’s shit is large), skip appetisers, don’t waste time with the veal parmagiana (TEAM LAMB ALL THE WAY), order a side of either the mushrooms or the duck fat potatoes and you must leave room for that large and in charge, fuck yeah of epic proportions New York cheesecake.

Carbone’s lamb chop is the best fucking lamb I’ve eaten all year and days after having it, I put on some Motown tunes, dream about that fuck yeah lamb chop and let the Carbone feels wash over me.

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STAND OUT EAT #3: Stone Nullah Tavern
Not a new one for 2014 but seeing as I ended up at SNT approximately five times this year, deserves a fuck yeah stand out mention.  This reliable Modern American restaurant is my favourite of the IHM stable and continues to change up its menu to cater for seasonal produce while punching out the old favourites with its tight as fuck staff. I always have fuck yeah epic nights at SNT which involves heart stopping noms such as foie gras + bacon Monte Cristo French toast sandwiches drenched in maple syrup, fuck yeahhhh buffalo wings and the best fucking mac ‘n’ cheese I’ve had in the Kong (every restaurant makes this claim but SNT’s mac is my fuck yeah favourite). This year, I had my birthday dinner here – I ate all the fucking things, drank numerous fuck yeah Dark and Stormies, slammed back all the pickleback shots and then precariously climbed on top of the bar to kiss the deer head as everyone egged me on with a rhythmic chant of “KISS THE DEER! KISS THE DEER!”.  If years of high school taught me anything, if you’re cool you’ll fucking say YESSSSSSS. In the hazy, shaky post-birthday morning, I pulled my weary ass to the kitchen so I could heat up the left over fried chicken that SNT had packaged up for me, strapped on an ice-pack to my head and then I collapsed on the sofa, eating The Breakfast of Champions – fried SNT chicken and pickles followed by a Pocari Sweat and ibuprofen chaser.  I listlessly hoovered Netflix while I urged my cholesterol laden heart to carry me through to another birthday. Come on old girl, we can’t stop now this is fat country.

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STAND OUT EAT #4: NUR Restaurant
I thought NUR was gonna be pretentious as fuck and teeny tiny food for ants which would result in me dollar cost averaging my meal down at McDonald’s on the way home. However even this cynical old fuck can be surprised and it was actually one of the best fucking meals I had this year in the Kong or otherwise. Clean, beautiful as fuck dishes, that displayed a fuck tonne of technique. NUR’s waiter homies were also all over their shit – enthusiastic and knowledgeable (some might say too knowledgeable because they don’t seem to ever stop talking about that rooftop garden). Chef Nurdin Topham has a noble theory behind his food – championing local sustainable produce which is nutritionally good for you (even if in reality, its proteins were careening its way towards OneWorld Emerald status as they were flown in across the globe). Per FYN’s review though – while NUR sounds like it’ll be pretentious as fuck and food for ants, shit’s so goddamn beautiful you’ll weep all over your artistic as fuck plates.

FYN also has to take a moment to applaud a HK rarity – a fucking decent website. NUR’s fuck yeahhhhh website (fuck yeah, Studio Sans) with its clean design, beautiful as fuck photography (fuck yeah, The Light Particles), functional interface and relevant information brings a tear to my cynical eyes.  Hey all other HK restaurants with your shitty useless websites, if you have paid anyone some sort of hard currency and they have produced for you a website with a singular image, a link to your tumblr or Facebook page, a mobile only version of your site even when viewed on a PC or devoid of any sort of useful information (like a menu) – URE DOING IT WRONG.

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STAND OUT EAT #5: The Butchers Club Deli – Beef T-Bone
Holy fucking fuck, there’s steak and then there’s the magnificent 60 day aged T-Bone I got to smash with Ms This is Bullshit. Sure, the lemon pie was a total epic disaster but the star of the masterpiece of a T-Bone Tuesday is predictably gonna be the T-Bone.  Butchers Club dry age dat Angus T-Bone for 60 days and let the enzymes get their party going on, which leaves behind a cut of beef which has had its beef flavour dialled the fuck up and has a distinctive blue cheese and popcorn/nutty hint to it.  The Butchers Club restaurants appear to be popping up fucking everywhere atm and while The Butchers Club Burgers is fun for a quick fat boy eat, the best fuck yeahhh steak I had this year was this aged, flavourful beefy T-bone bastard by which I judged all other steaks for the rest of the year.  14 day wet aged steaks?  AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT.

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OK homies, that’s enough FYN 2014 grandstanding for tonight – you can now check out FYN’s Fuck Yeah 2014! Part #2 – Outside the Kong and FYN’s ‘Just Cannot’ List.

4 Comments
  • Fuck Yeah Noms - Fuck Yeah, 2014! Part #2: Outside the Kong and FYN’S ‘Just Cannot’ List
    Posted at 13:50h, 03 January Reply

    […] ← Fuck Yeah, 2014! – Part #1: Hong Kong […]

  • waterfallsandcaribous
    Posted at 03:35h, 04 January Reply

    No Mr Hutchinson?! No McWings?! The masses may be fooled by your fanciness but I ain’t…
    (This vitriol may or may not be inspired by jealousy/heartbreak)

    • Sgt Noms
      Posted at 09:42h, 04 January Reply

      Girl, you know that I will always love McWings but I dunno if I’d make it a top #5 eating highlights of 2014, more a solid performer. As for Mr Hutch, I debated over the wor tip for some time actually but in the end, pushed the Butchers Club steak over him in the end.

  • FUCK YEAH, 2015! – PART #1: HONG KONG
    Posted at 07:49h, 29 December Reply

    […] week or so.  Or perhaps it’s time to get all nostalgic for some 2014 memories and check out Fuck Yeah, 2014! – Part #1: Hong Kong or FYN’s Fuck Yeah 2014! Part #2 – Outside the Kong and FYN’s ‘Just Cannot’ List. […]

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