Duck & Waffle

Duck & Waffle

Where:
Duck & Waffle
Heron Tower
110 Bishopgate, London EC2N 4AY

Phone:
+44 203 640 7310. But fuck yeah, not talking to people – dwreservations@sushisamba.com!!

Price:
Savoury breakfast mains range from £10 – 15. Add 12.5% service charge. We got out at £60 (around USD100) for two people.

The deal:
Everything in London was ‘& something’. Patty & Bun, Duck & Waffle, Burger & Lobster – it’s like a whole series of working titles that were never improved upon by their lazy ass owners before opening night. Why don’t you just leave lorem fucken ipsum dolor in the menu while you’re there? Fuck, I know HK is right on this trend too with their lame ass restaurant names – imma lookin’ at you Meat & Fish, Ham & Sherry and Fuckin’ Overpriced & Tiny Tacos (OH WHOOPS, you mean that’s not what Brickhouse is officially called?!).

I was sceptical on how Duck & Waffle was going to pan out because I’m of the opinion that God doesn’t give with both hands – so just like you meet someone who’s heartbreakingly hot but then you ask them what they’re into and they go “I dunno…I guess, like, stuff.” before shrugging, with a nonchalant flick of their splendiferous, shit hot mane, you either get The View or Fucking Tasty Food, but it’s hard to get a generous handout from both camps. We didn’t get given the most amazing table in the restaurant – jammed towards the kitchen and next to a venetian blinded window but even from this bullshit table, I can pay points for being able to see all of London.

I mocked fake outrage with Mr Noms, declaring:

Don’t Duck & Waffle know that they have HK’s MOST PREEMINENT FOOD BLOGGER in their midst?!

To which he rolled his eyes:

First of all, “Most Preeminent” – you’re either preeminent or you’re not – just say Preeminent, don’t use an unnecessary double affirmative. Second, I’m sure UK Border Control was calling it into the restaurants as soon as you crossed over going “Excuse me Heston? Jamie? Gordon? Duck & Waffle? HK’s Preeminent Food Blogger, SGT NOMS, is in your goddamn country

Wow, build me the fuck up, buttercup – what the hell happened to all the honouring and cherishing we were meant to be giving each other?

To take away the crushing blow to my newly realised status as a non-preeminent food blogger (I’ll be real, even the use of the word blogger makes me want to vom a little bit in my potty mouth), I threw myself into the title dish and as suggested, no alarms and no surprises, it was indeed a Duck & Waffle. Or perhaps to be more fucking accurate, Duck Leg & Half a Waffle. This was definitely a Heart Foundation approved healthful as fuck breakfast – a deep fried duck leg on a waffle, which you cover with maple syrup studded with whole mustard seeds. NGL, it was pretty fucking tasty. I gazed adoringly at Mr Noms’ full breakfast and while he mistook this for true affection and a tender holiday moment, I used this distraction to snatch up his black pudding. I definitely needed more of dat bloody sausage in my life and ordered an additional serve. “That’s going to be another three minutes”, my friendly waiter informed me – Y U give such specific time if it’s going to be longer?! Fuck yeah black pudding though!

Then Mr Noms lost his grip on reality and decided it’d be a fucking great idea to order a feral sounding and super expensive cocktail, the Marmite Black Velvet – a Marmite + Guiness reduction + champagne cocktail. I mean, I fucking love all of those things separately but together they formed a muddy brown bastard concoction that was as fucked up as you might imagine – it was a fucking atrocity against all that is good and holy for the super rip off price of £14 (USD25!!!!). I don’t fucking know why he does these things sometimes – I would have been more than happy to punch him in the balls for free to produce the same amount of tears and regret for much less £££.

So Duck & Waffle is one of those places that I imagine if you lived in the city, you’d never fucking go unless you had visitors from out of town. Like living in HK and going to Nanhai No. 1 or my stalwart-for-visitors, Hutong. I’ve always believed that restaurants with a view are like going to dinner theatre – a series of distractions which never results in a best in class experience. Someone’s throwing some terrible food at you while a moderately talented entertainer is singing and dancing, to distract you from the food – which results in you stumbling out of a mediocre experience feeling Confused & Dazed, unsure of what you have just endured. Duck & Waffle was above this on the experience scale and sure, it’s not fucking cheap but as a visitor in a new town it was pretty fucking enjoyable.

Verdict:
Fuck yeah if you haven’t been before. Or your parents are visiting and you’ve got to take them to some high ass place.

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